Music: Lily Allen, "The Fear"

Its been too long on this.

First off its the Ides of March, must tell Caeser to not leave the bodyguard at home.

I have made a cyanotype that I'm actually proud of. Mr. Moore like it as well, and he's hard to please.


I'm trying to understand love, desire, and obsessions. There are a few people who I do love in various ways, and they all matter. I want to tell them how I feel, but I worry at saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and ruining things as usual. I've lost at least two people in the last year who I wanted as friends, and well... I seem to ruin things. I don't want to, I want to be badass, but I fumble and stumble and drop. And they drop me.

Today, I answered 100 English multiple-choice questions, 50 in language aquisition and usage, 50 in Literary analysis. That was followed by 4 short essays: how to foster unity in a classroom, revising an opening paragraph that suffers from diarrhea of the mouth, verbal and physical strategies for a storyteller to improve his performance, and something I can't remember. And then two essays: Compare and contrast Shakespeare's Sonnet 19 (gay love nonetheless!) with Fences by Wilson and an critique the persuasiveness of an essay by William S. Buckley jr called "Why don't we complain?" Oh yeah, took me 4.5 hours.

And tonight at the bar, I did not get to go home with who I wanted to, although my friend did. Curses to me again.

Well its March already. The year of MAN UP! is going by much faster than expected. And with a number of setbacks. So far I've been rejected by two new people I hoped to make friend with, possibly three. It hurts. I'm still not where I want to be, and right now it feels like the road map's flown out the car window too! I guess I'll just follow the sun and go from there.

Today was my best friend's birthday, and I kinda miss him. I hope he had fun.

I'll be better in the morning I'm sure.

Wow, I'm managing to get one down before 3am! So many things are going through my head, I feel like there are all these strands of thread about me, and I am trying to weave them into a taut rope, yet I cannot pull fast enough. Or that I am to weave a tapestry, and the damn thing keeps unravelling.

Shades of The Odyssey no doubt.

I continue to slowly make preparations to move out, lots of stuff to do, and throwing things on ebay is, as always, slower than expected. I'm going to be seriously hurting for money soon too. Oh well, one must step up to the plate.

I'm meeting more people, which is really delightful. I'm hoping that by making more and more friends, I can both fill up the emptiness I feel and get my dead ass out of the place! Moving about is good.

Just some random things to jot down before I give into my headache and my mattress:

-I need to share this blog and send it out to my friends who I want to share my life with yet not broadcast every F-ing thing

-I spent $60 on film processing and this is the best thing that came from it:

-What do I do when I get my place to make it stylish and homey and not some depressing dump like the last place I saw?

-I wish I could give all my friends a kiss goodnight, but this shall have to suffice instead. :)

Music: Tocccata in b minor, Eugene Gigout

Tonight I went to an Oscar Party at friends' of a friend. It was a good night out. I'm still growing, or trying to grow more, and of course some parts of it are challenging. But I think I have people who've got my back, and that helps things a lot.

I'm still being too introspective. And of course I'm driving myself batty in the process... lol. So many things are going on too, I almost feel like I can't draw breath before another thing will demand my attention or require something else. Oh well, its a good life, and its getting better. Now to just get myself to the gym, and learn to like beer.

Music: La Palina Broadcasters, "Sweetheart We Need Each Other"

I'm finally becoming one of those record collectors who can recognize songs that sound "of the era" which aren't common knowledge. For instance, "Sweetheart We Need Each Other." Yay.

So this last week, I looked at an apartment. The neighborhood is nice, the room itself--and it is a studio--well, reminds me of a youth hostel minus the fun of a half dozen interesting people also living out of bags. See for yourself.

At least it reminds me of why I'm moving out. And its not impossible, just it needs a lot of help, and maybe a less dreary wall colour. I have realized that I do want to get a place thats large enough that I can put my bed in, not a futon!

In other news, I am trying not to be on obessive leach upon some dear friends who I love, value greatly for their opinions and themselves, and want to keep in my life. Lets hope that by not leaning on them too often, they'll still be known that they're special and wanted.

I went out tonight for Valentines, or "Singles Awareness Night." Saw a few friends, and made a couple more. At the rate I'm going, it looks like ol' Chris has started to wake up and learn to live! May I just keep this for the rest of this year, and the rest of my life.

And I had a good night out for once. This might be the start of something good.

Well dear readers, quite a few things have been going on my mind lately.

First and foremost, My resolution in 2009 is to Man UP! For me, that means things like growing up, accepting my responsibilities, trying to conquer fears, apologizing for my wrongs, and not apologizing for who I am. A tall order, but long overdue!

Second, I've become the sort of "man" I despise. I'm clingy, overemotional, needy, and a neurotic mess. I rely too much on other people and am letting myself get crippled by fear. Gotta work on that. And to all those who I've been bothering lately, sorry. I know and I don't like myself for doing it...

Now to the fun stuff, my students today thought the Ramones were a 90s band! Oh man, Mr. Rini's going to have to open his own School of Rock...