Music: Lily Allen, "The Fear"

Its been too long on this.

First off its the Ides of March, must tell Caeser to not leave the bodyguard at home.

I have made a cyanotype that I'm actually proud of. Mr. Moore like it as well, and he's hard to please.


I'm trying to understand love, desire, and obsessions. There are a few people who I do love in various ways, and they all matter. I want to tell them how I feel, but I worry at saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and ruining things as usual. I've lost at least two people in the last year who I wanted as friends, and well... I seem to ruin things. I don't want to, I want to be badass, but I fumble and stumble and drop. And they drop me.

Today, I answered 100 English multiple-choice questions, 50 in language aquisition and usage, 50 in Literary analysis. That was followed by 4 short essays: how to foster unity in a classroom, revising an opening paragraph that suffers from diarrhea of the mouth, verbal and physical strategies for a storyteller to improve his performance, and something I can't remember. And then two essays: Compare and contrast Shakespeare's Sonnet 19 (gay love nonetheless!) with Fences by Wilson and an critique the persuasiveness of an essay by William S. Buckley jr called "Why don't we complain?" Oh yeah, took me 4.5 hours.

And tonight at the bar, I did not get to go home with who I wanted to, although my friend did. Curses to me again.

Well its March already. The year of MAN UP! is going by much faster than expected. And with a number of setbacks. So far I've been rejected by two new people I hoped to make friend with, possibly three. It hurts. I'm still not where I want to be, and right now it feels like the road map's flown out the car window too! I guess I'll just follow the sun and go from there.

Today was my best friend's birthday, and I kinda miss him. I hope he had fun.

I'll be better in the morning I'm sure.

Wow, I'm managing to get one down before 3am! So many things are going through my head, I feel like there are all these strands of thread about me, and I am trying to weave them into a taut rope, yet I cannot pull fast enough. Or that I am to weave a tapestry, and the damn thing keeps unravelling.

Shades of The Odyssey no doubt.

I continue to slowly make preparations to move out, lots of stuff to do, and throwing things on ebay is, as always, slower than expected. I'm going to be seriously hurting for money soon too. Oh well, one must step up to the plate.

I'm meeting more people, which is really delightful. I'm hoping that by making more and more friends, I can both fill up the emptiness I feel and get my dead ass out of the place! Moving about is good.

Just some random things to jot down before I give into my headache and my mattress:

-I need to share this blog and send it out to my friends who I want to share my life with yet not broadcast every F-ing thing

-I spent $60 on film processing and this is the best thing that came from it:

-What do I do when I get my place to make it stylish and homey and not some depressing dump like the last place I saw?

-I wish I could give all my friends a kiss goodnight, but this shall have to suffice instead. :)

Music: Tocccata in b minor, Eugene Gigout

Tonight I went to an Oscar Party at friends' of a friend. It was a good night out. I'm still growing, or trying to grow more, and of course some parts of it are challenging. But I think I have people who've got my back, and that helps things a lot.

I'm still being too introspective. And of course I'm driving myself batty in the process... lol. So many things are going on too, I almost feel like I can't draw breath before another thing will demand my attention or require something else. Oh well, its a good life, and its getting better. Now to just get myself to the gym, and learn to like beer.

Music: La Palina Broadcasters, "Sweetheart We Need Each Other"

I'm finally becoming one of those record collectors who can recognize songs that sound "of the era" which aren't common knowledge. For instance, "Sweetheart We Need Each Other." Yay.

So this last week, I looked at an apartment. The neighborhood is nice, the room itself--and it is a studio--well, reminds me of a youth hostel minus the fun of a half dozen interesting people also living out of bags. See for yourself.

At least it reminds me of why I'm moving out. And its not impossible, just it needs a lot of help, and maybe a less dreary wall colour. I have realized that I do want to get a place thats large enough that I can put my bed in, not a futon!

In other news, I am trying not to be on obessive leach upon some dear friends who I love, value greatly for their opinions and themselves, and want to keep in my life. Lets hope that by not leaning on them too often, they'll still be known that they're special and wanted.

I went out tonight for Valentines, or "Singles Awareness Night." Saw a few friends, and made a couple more. At the rate I'm going, it looks like ol' Chris has started to wake up and learn to live! May I just keep this for the rest of this year, and the rest of my life.

And I had a good night out for once. This might be the start of something good.

Well dear readers, quite a few things have been going on my mind lately.

First and foremost, My resolution in 2009 is to Man UP! For me, that means things like growing up, accepting my responsibilities, trying to conquer fears, apologizing for my wrongs, and not apologizing for who I am. A tall order, but long overdue!

Second, I've become the sort of "man" I despise. I'm clingy, overemotional, needy, and a neurotic mess. I rely too much on other people and am letting myself get crippled by fear. Gotta work on that. And to all those who I've been bothering lately, sorry. I know and I don't like myself for doing it...

Now to the fun stuff, my students today thought the Ramones were a 90s band! Oh man, Mr. Rini's going to have to open his own School of Rock...

18 January 2009
Sunday

Music: Some overwrought 19th Century Italian organ offertoire on youtube.

Quick thought:

I am so lucky to have some of the people I do. I was at the bar tonight, and one of my buddies said, "You've come a long way." Whenever anyone tells me that I laugh and think what their reaction would be if they'd known in in college, or high school!

So to all my friends, pleasant aquaintances, and loves. HERE'S TO YOU! I wouldn't be here without your help. Thank you.

17 January 2009
Saturday, 2:55am
Music: Brahms 3rd Symphony, 1st movement

Sometimes I find it rather funny to look back at myself and see things that I never really thought were there. I used to never think I was religious or spiritual, but it seems that I am. (Or highly irrational and superstitious as the case may be.)

I picked up one of my books on Nicholas & Alexandra Romanov yesterday and the author was trying to argue that Alexandra was mystical for all the times she saw patterns and metaphors in life. He argued that her mystical tendencies were manifested in seeing the 300th Anniversary of the Romanov Dynasty and how its beginning had powerful similarities to how things were going around 1912-1914. He also added in stuff like her responses to the pain and suffering she had in her personal life.

Now today, I sorta saw the same thing through music, and it was quite interesting. I was driving to meet with an old old friend and her new boyfriend. They're out visiting from New York. So, as I was driving, the classical station programmed Tchaikovsky's Tempest! Now that piece-and it lives up to its name-was my constant companion late in high school. What can I say, I love storm music! And in due course with all constant companion pieces of music, you burn yourself out of them, put them away, and generally forget about them. And today I got to hear The Tempest for the first time since... oh probably 1999. And it was like meeting an old friend. I started to remember details and bits and pieces that I'd forgotten about. And how ironic that I was on the way to meet an old lady-friend while revisiting an old music-friend!

Right now, the piece I'm listening to is another old friend, one that I used to define myself by. Yet as I mature (and hopefully mellow) I see that dramatic posturing gets very old very fast. It has its place too, but it is a touch ridiculous.

Still its nice to see old friends, old feelings, and old states of mind. Who knows from where I've been to where I'll go!

1 January 2009
Thursday. 2:26am

Music: Mendelssohn, Symphony 5 "The Reformation"

To all,

Its been quite some time hasn't it? Over a year since my last blog. So many things have happened, and I think perhaps things will go well. Let me take stock a bit...

I finished my teaching credential, lost hair in the process, and went though quite a lot of anxiety. I truly didn't know if I could do it, but somehow I managed to student teach, go to class, and hold down a regular job. Now I am subbing, it pays the bills and is usually fun. Not every day, but usually.

I finished the Harry Potter series. In some ways I wish it would have ended differently, and at times I wish it would be endless. One does not want to see good things end, but perhaps the journey is the important thing.

Some friends have gone, some have come. They are all wonderful and I both treasure them and amazed that they like me!

I think I might be coming into my own after so long. My only regret with this is that it took so many years to start liking me, or even accepting myself. Maybe I'll be able to smile at myself in the mirror again, its been awhile.

And in stupid pet peeves: I need more money and my cell phone is dying!

To all who have read so far,
Cheers!

And my love to you.

27 April 2007
Friday 4.45am

Music: Gamelan

Its so very strange. Yes I am completely wierd and out of my head after writing a TPA in a white heat. In the meantime I started downloading "Hearts of Space." Who'd have thought I'd be downloading ambient. Anyway...
I tried the online test to figure what level of Dante's inferno I am damned to. (Seventh.) And as I'm printing up a TPA and organizing transparencies, it occurred to me how very mystical the Catholic faith really can be when you try to apply it fully. My buddy Tdub recently lost his virginity, and that sorta depressed me, as I'm still "pure as snow," and now I'm the last one left. An endangered species I suppose. Now, to be a good Catholic, I am to keep my present unused until I give it to my wife. She hasn't introduced herself yet, so it might take awhile. Temptation is everpresent, and in my caffeine+adrenaline parallel reality state, I thought, "Wow, if I could actually summon the willpower to wait til marriage, wow." It is a tall order, and it makes me wonder at the selfcontrol, mental fortitude, and sense of longing for the hearafter that a number of our saints must surely have.

May it be God's will for me to be among them.

I am shirtless, yet warm. Ladies, still not taken!

8 March 2007
Thursday

I'm writing to inform you that John Inman, Mr. Wilberforce Humpheries of "Are You Being Served?" has died. One of those people who was part of your childhood has passed.

Mr. JDW has moved to bigger and better things, and I do believe he will prosper in this year. All for now.

22 December 2006
Friday

To all my dear friends, well wishers, aquaintances, and international drinking buddies...

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Happy New Year.

May 2007 be your year.

And yes, I was too lazy to write individual emails to everybody. :0)

18 April 2006
Tuesday

I'm dead tired and only writing as this is the centennial of the Great San Francisco Earthquake and Fire of 1906. Funny, when I was little, I never even conceived that there'd be a centennial. And stupid me didn't haul up to SF to watch it. Next year!

The documentary last night showed actual burning footage taken from close proximity. That was the only film that looked like 1900s filmstock. Most of the rest was of surprisingly good quality. I was impressed.

6 March 2006
Monday

I realize how fragile and pathetic I really am. Tonight we had a Bon Voyage party for a coworker who's moving to Chicago. As we walked out, he didn't want my email address. And I was disappointed that someone didn't like me enough. I really must get a life.

Followup, the last song being Coldplay, followed on 91X by "Sooner or Later" :0\

3 November 2005
Thursday

Well tonight was Adam Corolla's last night on Loveline. As the strains of the Mexican national anthem dance in my head, I'm disappointed.

22 September 2oo5
Thursday

Music: Pinback, "Fortress"

Quite an inexcusable lax.

Pinback has been playing my mind, and it oozes into me like an unwelcome visiter.

I shall not get into the teaching program for Spring.

There's a "Got Milk?" commercial that has the Pillsbury Doughboy sad. That just seems to tear me up, I can't allow one of my icons of childhood be unhappy. Its like when the Doughboy is unhappy then nothing good can be. Quite stupid and silly but... well thats me.

In other news, Miss Sara S. is on her way to Aix-en-Provence. Mr. Woods is on the road to see destiny. I'm lonely as always, but one must cry or smile I guess.

5 August 2005
Friday
Musi: Dubois, Offertoire

Oh my Goodness! I'm going to be about $300 in the hole this week paying for various tests. Crap. I know I shouldn't bother about such things, but this is somewhat alarming. I'm trying to get all my teaching credential things under control, and this is all frustrating to say the least. I know God will help me though, but of course I'm not getting things done in such a good way. I shall need my strength for these things. Now to hit up Mom in the morning.

27 July 2005
Wednesday

I am so silly for saying this, but sometimes I become a total girl. It triggers my man period or something. But... whenever I see Richard Simmons on tv or read anyone's stories about how much weight he or she lost, I get all emotional and sad about it. I just read about one guy who decided to lose 200 lbs after he couldn't get the restraint belt on at a theme park. Whenever I read something like that, I feel like I'm dying inside.